


Never Date Your CoWorkers

by Chugginghj7



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Double Dating, Enemies to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Multi, Picnics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 17,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26369851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chugginghj7/pseuds/Chugginghj7
Summary: Archangel Gabriel and Lord Beelzebub both hold a grudge. However, after their failed executions, nearly all of Heaven and Hell have already agreed to leave Principality Aziraphale and the demon Crowley alone for the time being. This, unfortunately for Gabriel and Beelzebub, leaves the two of them on their own...well, mostly. Which means they'll have to work together if they want to track down the traitors and take them out for good. But...will they REALLY be able to tolerate each other long enough to fool Crowley and Aziraphale into trusting them?
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 142
Kudos: 116





	1. Revolting Photographs

Archangel Michael discreetly placed a manilla folder on Archangel Gabriel’s desk. “You might want to see this,” she muttered as she continued past, her shoes clicking against the pristine white floor.  


Gabriel didn’t even glance at the folder until he was sure she was completely gone. Once the coast was clear, he carefully removed the contents of the folder and scowled. No, not scowled —frowned. He carefully policed all his expressions at all times to make sure he seemed as relatable and nonthreatening as possible.  


However, it was incredibly difficult to hide his revulsion to the photographs Michael had given him. Picture after picture of the traitorous principality Aziraphale and the demon known as “Crowley”. The two of them sharing a park bench, talking easily, and even —disgustingly enough— clinking glasses together in a human restaurant. It was enough to disturb any being with common sense.  


Ever since the failed attempt to execute Aziraphale, Heaven had decided to leave him and his demon friend alone for the time being. Gabriel had hated —no, strongly disagreed— with this assessment, but he did not want to “rock the boat”, as the humans say. It was best to agree with what the majority decides. No matter how strongly one feels about the issue in question.  


Thankfully, he was not the only one who was irritated by the decision to ignore the traitors. Most notably, Archangel Michael and the prince of Hell were also against letting them go. Gabriel refused to speak directly to Lord Beelzebub, but they had regular phone communications in which they both expressed their disappointment.  


“I juzzzzt don’t get it,” Beelzebub had buzzed only the day earlier. “What could be zzzo great about earth?”  


Gabriel shrugged even though Beelzebub couldn’t see him. “If I knew, I wouldn’t be here listening to you complain,” he snapped.  


Then the line had gone dead. Demons never had the courtesy to say goodbye during phone communications.  


Examining the photos, Gabriel wondered if he should contact Beelzebub again. Perhaps they would want to know about these revolting images as well.  


Yes, he decided. That was precisely what he would do. With his clever wit, and...whatever it was Beelzebub could offer, they would surely be able to figure out a solution as to what could be done about a rogue angel and his pet demon.


	2. Some Stupid Meeting

Beelzebub was upside down. This, of course, was not _unusual _for the Prince of Hell. They were, after all, the Prince of Hell, and could do practically whatever they pleased. It was one of the many reasons they so _enjoyed _being the Prince of Hell and a demon. There was no pesky God to try to tell them how to act and what to do. The only orders were ones they gave out themselves. And Lord Beelzebub _did _very much love giving orders.  
______

_____ _

Which, overall, was why they were so peeved when the uppity and obnoxious Archangel Gabriel _demanded _an audience with them at an unspecified location. That Gabriel always acted as if he was so smart. Well jokes on him, because he still had to follow all those loathsome rules and listen to bloody Rodgers & Hammerstein all the time.  
__

_____ _

__

_____ _

__Not that meeting up with Archasshole Gabriel pleased them at all. Beelzebub had agreed to meet with him because they _wanted _to. They were curious to see what could possibly be so horribly interesting as to convince Ol’ Gabe to ask for an in-person meeting. Not because it was pleasing, or because the Angel had requested it. It was solely about curiosity. They would take one look at what G had to offer, and then leave. They didn’t even have to speak to each other. Which, knowing how conversations with Gabriel usually went, was preferable.  
___ _

_____ _

___ _

_____ _

___At exactly the time Gabe had specified, Beelzebub finally got up from sitting upside down in their throne. They were supposed to already be there, but Beelzebub truly lived to piss off Heaven. Especially a certain Archangel. So, they took their time walking to the “unspecified” location where they were to meet.  
_ _ _

________ _ _ _ _

Their meeting spot wasn’t exactly _unspecified, _since both Gabriel and Beelzebub knew where it was, but that was the word Gabriel has used, “in case anyone is listening in”. Angels were always so paranoid.  
__

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

__

__

It’s not like it would take an absolute genius to figure out that an angel and a demon would meet in neutral ground.

____

_________ _ _ _ _ _

____


	3. Meeting Halfway

If Heaven was to be the penthouse floor, and Hell was the basement, then the space between the two could be considered nothing but neutral cubicles and filing cabinets. And it was. This was where Gabriel and Beelzebub were to meet.  


Unfortunately, for _some _reason, Beelzebub was not there at the time they had agreed on. Gabriel scoffed and looked around the empty area. Leave it to a demon to not even call to say they’ll be late. How rude.  
__

__

__Gabriel was left alone in that spot where anyone could wander in and find him for far longer than he’d like. And the last thing he needed was someone to catch him waiting on neutral ground and wonder why. Then again, it wasn’t an angel’s nature to wonder.  
_ _

__

__But still, he did not like to be kept waiting. Not that he was particularly anxious to see Beelzebub, what with their unseemly attitude, and nearly insufferable voice. But, they seemed to be one of the only beings left that was willing to help him bring the traitors to justice. So he waited, seated primly in a chair with wheels. A perfectly neutral chair that worked perfectly fine, but wasn’t exactly what you would choose to sit on if you were to have other options. Such was the nature of their meeting spot.  
_ _

__

__Beelzebub finally wandered over precisely 20 minutes after they agreed to arrive, bringing an incessant buzzing sound with them. Gabriel scrunched up his nose in revulsion before remembering himself and fixing his expression to be less intimidating. He steepled his fingers as the Prince of Hell pulled themselves onto a desk to sit on and crossed their legs underneath them. The large insect on top of their head seemed to scowl at Gabriel.  
_ _

__

__And this was why he usually regulated any interactions with them to phone calls.  
_ _

__

__“You’re late,” he said once Beelzebub was settled in.  
_ _

__

__“Good,” they replied, pulling one of their knees to their chest and resting an elbow on it. “What do you want?”  
_ _

__

__Gabriel held up the folder containing the offending photographs. “Well, as you know-”  
_ _

__

__“Shut up.” Beelzebub reached forward and snatched the folder out of Gabriel’s hand. “No one wantzzz to hear you blabber on, Gabe.”  
_ _

__

__Gabriel narrowed his eyes. He had planned out such a nice speech to summarize the situation. And here they were, ruining it. “That’s Archangel Gabriel, to you.”  
_ _

__

__“Fuck off.”  
_ _

__

__Gabriel had never quite wanted to glower at someone as much as he did in those moments. How anyone could spend more time than was necessary around a demon, Gabriel would never understand. How _did _Aziraphale do it? And why?  
___ _

___ _

___“Why am I looking at thezzze?” Beelzebub finally asked once they finished scanning through the folder.  
_ _ _

___ _

___“Aren’t they revolting?”  
_ _ _

___ _

___“I zzzee zzzomething even more revolting this zzzecond,” they said, pointedly throwing the folder at Gabriel. In midair, the unsecured photos fell out of the folder and to the ground, floating lazily. A picture of Aziraphale and the demon on a beach in what the humans call “swimsuits” landed at Gabriel’s feet. He picked it up and held it towards Beelzebub.  
_ _ _

___ _

___“This,” he said, “is why you are here. Look at this!”  
_ _ _

___ _

___“Hey, _I _don’t underzzztand it any more than you do.”  
___ _ _

___ _

___Gabriel blinked and looked down at the photo of Aziraphale and Crowley, sharing a picnic blanket in the sand. Then he looked back up at Beelzebub. No, Beelzebub couldn’t seem to fathom why Crowley would want to be around Aziraphale any more than Gabriel could figure out why Aziraphale would want to be with Crowley.  
_ _ _

___ _

___There must not be a single other angelic being that would want to do what Aziraphale has done. ...which means that Aziraphale must be lonely, with no one to relate to.  
Gabriel looked back down at the photo. Maybe...he was lonely enough to confide in the very first option he comes across…  
_ _ _

___ _

___“What the Heaven are you thinking about?” Beelzebub snapped.  
_ _ _

___ _

___Gabriel looked up and didn’t bother policing the smirk that crawled across his face._ _ _


	4. The Best Idea We've Got

Beelzebub was almost impressed. They’d never seen Gabe make such a strong expression before, and they almost _didn’t_ want to punch his stupid face for once. But that changed as soon as he opened his mouth.

“Don’t you see?” he asked in that obnoxious and condescending tone. As if Beelzebub was too stupid to understand his giant brain just because they worked downstairs. Typical egotistical Archasshole Gabe.

Beelzebub just sent him a scathing glare and imagined giving his face a good punch or two.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he said. “I know how we can get our revenge.” He stood up and began pacing with calculated footsteps. “Those two aren’t very smart.”

“Zzzo you can relate,” they couldn’t resist saying.

“Ha.” was all he said humorlessly. Then he clasped his hands behind his back and stood there, looking stupid.

It was hard for Beelzebub to believe that this guy held any position of power up there. But then again, pretty much everyone upstairs was a complete idiot. At least they were from what Beelzebub had noted. They haven’t properly hung around angels since they were one. But from what they knew, Aziraphale was nothing more than an airheaded fool, and Old Gabey was a pompous dick.

Why was he just standing there? Beelzebub couldn’t stand the silence. What had that stupid smirk been about? “I can’t believe I’m zzzaying this, but can you just keep talking? Why are you looking at me like that?"

He sat down in his chair again. “I was waiting for you to quiet down for once so I can speak without interruption.”

This time Beelzebub _did_ punch him. But only on the arm. It just didn’t feel right to hit him in the face just yet.

Gabriel seemed to be struggling to contain his scowl as he rubbed his arm. “Ow.”

“You’re not even corporeal!”

“It’s the thought that counts.”

Beelzebub rolled their eyes and hopped off their desk. This whole meeting had been nothing but a waste of time.

“Wait!” Gabe grabbed onto Beelzebub’s arm to stop them from leaving. “Just hear me out. I swear I’ll get to the point.”

They sighed and spun around, shoving Gabe away from them. They _had_ come all that way, so they might as well listen to Archasshole Gabe’s idiotic plan. “Fine. What?”

“Look...those two aren’t smart.”

“We’ve ezzztablished that.”

“Yes, yes I know! Let me finish!” he snapped, pacing back and forth again. “They’re not smart, which means they’re most likely very gullible. And I know Aziraphale is a naive fool. And those two are the only ones that are the way they are.”

“Zzztupid? No, I’m pretty sure _you’re-_ ”

“No, I mean...they’re an angel and a demon and….they're...you know…” Gabriel moved his hands together in a vague gesture.

“Fucking?”

Gabriel made a really amusing face of outrage. “Don’t put it like that! How dare you! That is revolting, and it’s-”

“It’zzz what you meant. And zzzo what? What doezzz that have to do with uzzz killing them?”

Gabre took a deep breath to calm himself and sat down again. “They have no one to relate to, Lord Beelzebub. Which means that perhaps, if they were presented with another...pair...that shared their lifestyle, they would be quick to trust them.”

“Yeah, ok.” They could see Crowley falling for that. “But where would we find…” And then it clicked. Why Gabriel kept looking at them like that.

“Oh, fuck no!”


	5. The Only Idea We've Got

Gabriel watched as Beelzebub paced about the room, telling Gabriel  _ exactly  _ what they thought of his plan. It almost would have been humorous if it weren’t a very brilliant plan he had thought up. 

Not to say that Gabriel was particularly excited about the plan. Being anywhere near a demon such as Lord Beelzebub, much less Beelzebub themself, was absolutely nauseating. But it  _ was  _ a good idea and he was very sure it would work. “Look,” he said, holding up a hand to interrupt Beelzebub’s rant. “Do you have a better plan? One singular better plan? Or any plan at all?” 

“I think I’d rather give in and take a bath in holy water than have to pretend to...to be in…” Beelzebub made an overdramatized wretching face. 

“In...love?” Gabriel offered, struggling with the word himself. 

Beelzebub nodded. “Yeah. That thing. It’zzz where I draw the line. I’m not doing it.” 

“But it would work!” Gabriel reluctantly put a hand on Beelzebub’s shoulder. “I know it isn’t...ideal...but it’s what we have to work with. Unless  _ you  _ can think of a better plan right now.” 

Beelzebub’s gaze didn’t stray from Gabriel’s hand on their shoulder. “...we couldn’t juzzzt go up to them and kill them, could we?”

“No.” 

They pushed Gabriel’s hand away and sighed heavily. They were a lot more gentle than usual. 

Was this an agreement? For a minute, Gabriel hoped not. Was getting back at Aziraphale really worth his dignity as an Archangel? Would he really have to pretend to be in love with  _ Beelzebub _ ? 

“Fine,” Beelzebub snapped. “But if you  _ ever  _ try to kiss me…”

Gabriel fought the urge to gag is revulsion. “I would  _ never _ . Trust me.”

Beelzebub smirked and put their hands on their hips. “Oh zzzo now I’m not good enough for you to kiss?” 

Gabriel gave Beelzebub a look of utter confusion. Were they...offended? Did they  _ want  _ to kiss him? That would be absolutely revolting! Why would they say that? Sure, Gabriel was the one to think up the idea of befriending Aziraphale and Crowley as another angel and demon couple so they can get close enough to stab them in the back, but that did  _ not  _ mean that he wanted to be in a...relationship with Beelzebub of all people. It would be Ludacris! 

Beelzebub burst into that irritating laugh of theirs. “You make the best faces, Gabe. It’s zzzo eazzzy to piss you off.” Oh. So it had been a ruse to embarrass him. Typical demon. He should have known better. 

“It’s Archangel Gabriel,” he muttered. 

Beelzebub turned to leave and waved a hand dismissively. “Whatever, Archasshole Gabey. Zzzee you back here tomorrow for your zzztupid “genius” plan.” And with that, Gabriel was left alone again. 

At least this time he could just leave. He made his way towards the doorway before freezing in his tracks. Wait... _ what  _ had Beelzebub just called him? Of all the insulting, ridiculous, disrespectful....He took a deep breath to calm down and control his expression. This was going to be more difficult than he thought. 


	6. Outside A South Downs Cottage

There were a ton of things Beelzebub despised. People, men, women, anything, animals, angels, Gabriel, Haster, Crowley, dogs, cats, everything...but definitely towards the top of that list, was going down to Earth and being corporeal. There was little worse than existing on Earth. ...Except maybe existing on Earth with Gabriel. ...which is exactly what they were about to force themself to do. 

How pathetic was this? They were about to go play house with  _ Archasshole Gabriel _ of all people! And for what? The chance to hurt two stupid beings that literally don’t matter at all in the grand scheme of things? Were they  _ really  _ that petty?

...yes. They really were. 

Of course, as soon as they reached neutral ground, Old Gabe was already there and waiting to lecture them on being late. As if they didn’t  _ plan  _ to be late for the sole purpose of bothering him. 

“What took you so long?” he snapped.

“Zzzorry I’m not exzztatic to be anywhere near  _ you _ .”

Gabe crossed his arms and gave the mildest scowl Beelzebub had ever seen. “Well you’ll have to get used to it if we’re going to fool those two idiots.” 

Beelzebub leaned against a cubicle in amusement. “But if they’re idiotzzz, why do we need to try zzzo hard to fool them?” 

“They...they just...because they’re not stupid!”

“You juzzzt called them idiotzzz.” Ol' Gabey really was easy to rile up that day. Maybe it was for the same reason that Beelzebub felt more argumentative. 

“Yes. They may be idiots, but they’re not stupid. If we’re not believable enough, they may not trust us fully. They need to truly believe-”

“Yezzz, yezzz, I get it. They have to think we’re on their zzzide. I’m not zzztupid. Can we just get going?”

“Fine.” 

Together, they made their way down to Earth and to the nauseatingly quaint cottage in South Downs. Home to the traitor, Crowley, and his ridiculous angel partner. 

“Ready?” Gabe asked, adjusting his cardigan. 

Beelzebub glanced from the door of the cottage to Gabriel and back. Was all this really worth it? They would have to...like...Gabriel. The Archasshole. They couldn’t  _ really  _ go through with it, could they? Then again, it wasn’t just about getting back at Crowley. It was about sending a message to all of Hell. “This is what happens when you betray Hell, and I will go to any and all lengths to enforce this punishment.” So they had to.

“If I muzzzt be,” the said finally. 

Gabriel nodded, then awkwardly looked at Beelzebub and kept picking his arms up and putting them back down as if unsure what to do with them. 

“What the heaven are you doing?” 

“I…” Gabe kept faltering for another minute before finally placing an arm around Beelzebub’s shoulders. “I got it. There. See?” 

Beelzebub resisted the urge to tear his arm off at the socket. 

“The perfect couple…” Gabe muttered under his breath. And then he knocked on the door. 


	7. Inside A South Downs Cottage

Aziraphale slowly eased himself into his favorite armchair and picked up his book. From past experience, he knew he should stay in the kitchen so the cupcakes in the oven don’t burn again, but he couldn’t resist getting a chapter or two in while they were baking. And thankfully, even burned pastries always seemed to taste alright with enough icing. 

Baking was a hobby Aziraphale had picked up after the world had failed to end. He knew it would be much easier to miracle up sweets, but he found making them himself was a soothing and fun way to connect to humans. And besides, Crowley did seem to like his baking. It was the only thing Aziraphale had actually seen him eat. 

Speaking of Crowley, the snake slithered over and wrapped himself around Aziraphale’s shoulders. It was a fairly standard afternoon for the two of them. Aziraphale would sit by the fireplace and read, while Crowley curled up beside him. 

“I was thinking I could make the icing pink this time, dear!” he said with a smile. 

Crowley hissed in approval and snuggled up against Aziraphale’s neck. 

Aziraphale laughed. “You wily old serpent..” 

Sometime later, Crowley waved a hand between Aziraphale and his book. “The oven, Angel.” 

Aziraphale could smell burning cupcakes wafting from the kitchen. “Oh dear, not again! I always get so wrapped up in my reading…” He went to the kitchen to hopefully salvage what he could, and Crowley followed close behind. 

The cupcakes were definitely more...crisp than was probably desired, but Aziraphale hadn’t seen a pastry that couldn’t be fixed with icing yet! “I think they’ll make it,” he joked. 

Crowley smiled. “Of course, Angel. Everything you make turns out good.”

“Oh, Crowley. You know you’re very sweet, for a demon.” He started getting ingredients together to make the icing. 

Crowley started to say something in response when the doorbell rang. It had never done that before. The only visitors they ever got were Anathema, Newton, and Adam and his friends. But The Them prefer to knock. And Anathema and Newton always call ahead when they visit. “Now who could that be?” Aziraphale muttered. 

“I’ll get it, Angel.” 

Aziraphale watched Crowley leave the room and then returned to his icing ingredients. By the time he was finished with the icing, the cupcakes should be cool enough to be iced! 

Crowley hadn’t been gone for more than a minute when Aziraphale heard the front door open and immediately be slammed shut. 

“Aziraphale?” Crowley called from the front room. “Um, I believe we have a bit of a problem.”


	8. HELLO YES THIS IS OUR VERY SECRET AND REAL RELATIONSHIP

Gabriel blinked at the door in confusion. Was door slamming customary on Earth? He and Beelzebub had put in so much effort to seem like the perfect couple. He even had his arm on their shoulders without them trying to injure him for it. What could they be missing? “Did we do something incorrectly?”

“Maybe it’zzz becauzzze he found the people who tried to kill him and hizzz partner juzzzt standing on hizzz doorzzztep?” Beelzebub snarled, pushing Gabriel’s arm off. 

“I see.” Gabriel tapped his foot in thought. “There must be some way to convince them to let us in…” 

Behind Beelzebub’s head, Aziraphale and Crowley poked their heads through the blinds. Gabriel sent them his friendliest smile, and they immediately disappeared again. “Maybe we should knock again?” he asked, moving his arm to put it back around Beelzebub’s shoulders. 

“Becauzzze that worked so well _lazzzt_ time,” they sneered, batting his arm away. 

“Well, I don’t see _you_ -”

The front door began to slowly creak open, and Gabriel hurriedly threw his arm around Beelzebub and pulled them closer to him. It was far closer than he had ever wanted to be to a _demon_. Revolting. The things he did for justice…

The demon Crowley stood in the doorway, with Aziraphale right behind him. Crowley was much taller than he had seemed at The End of the World. 

“Hello there!” Gabriel said, mustering up one of his most charming smiles. “No need to feel rude about shutting the door on us. We were just using the time to...talk about the sexual intercourse we were going to have later! Because that is what us couples do, am I right?” 

Beelzebub elbowed him subtly.

“Archangel Gabriel, Lord Beelzebub, what are you _doing_ here?” Aziraphale asked. 

“More importantly, did you just say you were a _couple_?” Crowley added incredulously. Gabriel couldn’t help but sympathize. This was not something he was particularly excited about either. 

“Yes indeed! We’re just like you now, see?” He took his arm away from Beelzebub’s shoulders and grabbed their hand instead. “We’re here because we understand it now! We...like...each other just as much as you two like each other. Right, Lord Beelzebub?”

Beelzebub squeezed Gabriel’s hand to a painful degree and ground out an, “Of course, Gabe.” 

“Well, what brought this about?” Aziraphale asked. 

Gabriel hadn’t thought that far ahead. He looked to Beelzebub for help. 

“...The Apocalypzzze,” they said finally. “I zzzaw him that day and he wazzz very handzzzome and we zzztarted talking.” If they were trying to look not so defeated and humiliated, Gabriel thought they were doing a horrible job.

“Yes! Yes, that’s how it happened! And now we are here! Because as an angel and a demon in a...romantic relationship...we have no one else to relate to! You must be feeling the same way, yes?” 

Crowley and Aziraphale traded a look. “One minute, please,” Aziraphale muttered, shutting the door again. 

Gabriel turned to Beelzebub with a grin. “I think it’s working! We really must be fooling them with our top-notch acting!” 

Beelzebub only said, “You’re zzztill holding my hand, Gabe.” 

Gabriel immediately pulled his hand away. “Yeah, well... _you_ were still holding _mine_.”

They fell into an awkward silence. Gabriel took the time to script out answers to possible questions about this relationship that Aziraphale could ask. “When is your anniversary?”, “How regularly do you have intercourse?”, “Which small, carnivorous animal best describes your partner’s hair?’. Usual couple stuff.

“You’re not going to correct me on your name, Gabe?” Beelzebub asked quietly. 

Gabriel looked up. He _must_ have corrected them. It’s not as if he _enjoyed_ the nicknames, or found them endearing. He _always_ expected Beelzebub to use his full title and name. Didn’t he?

The front door reopened.

“Well?” Beelzebub snapped.

“...You can come in for a bit,” Aziraphale said finally, stepping out of the doorway to let Gabriel and Beelzebub inside. 

“Alone!” Crowley added. “Just you two. No one else.”

“That is perfect because there is no one else!” Gabriel crowed. He lead Beelzebub into the cottage. “Our relationship is a very closely guarded secret!” he added conspiratorily to Aziraphale as he passed by.

Ah, yes. This plan was working perfectly!


	9. This Is Officially Gabe's Worst Idea Ever

Beelzebub watched Gabriel take a seat on the couch. They were about to sit on the opposite end, as far away as possible, when they noticed Crowley sit on the armrest of Aziraphale’s chair. The two disgustingly had their arms around each other. It seemed like such a natural pose for them. And that’s when Beelzebub got a much better idea. 

They sat directly in Gabe’s lap. 

“Beelzebub!” He squeaked out quietly. “What are you doing?” 

“Why, Gabey, I’m juzzzt zzzitting in the way we alwayzzz zzzit. Becauzzze thizzz izzz what couplezzz do!” They gestured to Crowley and Aziraphale and soaked in the humiliated expression on Gabe’s face. If they were going to have to pretend to be in love with Archasshole Gabriel, they were at least going to have fun with it. 

“...right! Yes, of course! I enjoy being this close to you!” Gabriel said, wrapping his arms around Beelzebub. 

Beelzebub could have done without the arms, but whatever. Stupid Gabriel. 

“So…” Aziraphale started awkwardly. He trailed off and looked to Crowley for help. Crowley only shrugged and looked over at Beelzebub and Gabriel. Beelzebub figured he was trying to stare them down, but it was hard to tell when he had those stupid sunglasses on. They had to resist the urge to tear them off his idiotic face and smash them against the wall until they were nothing but plastic shards. 

“Yes!” Gabriel finally piped up out of the awkwardness. “Lord Beelzebub and I sure do like each other...in a very romantic way. And sexually! Yes! Because that is how couples feel about each other! Like you two.” 

“Right…” Crowley eyed them skeptically. He wasn’t buying it. 

Beelzebub sighed internally. They knew what they had to do to. Pull out the big guns. This was going to suck. Big time. But it was the only way they were going to get Crowley to believe them. 

They wrapped their arms around Gabe’s neck. Not like they were going to kill him (even though they wanted to), but in a loose, endearing way. And then they forced a smile. “We juzzzt got zzzo tired of hiding it from Hazzztur and Archass- I mean, Arch _ angel  _ Michael and zzzuch. We wanted to talk to zzzomeone who would  _ get it _ , you know? Right, Gabey?” They squeezed their eyes shut and quickly pressed a kiss to Gabriel’s cheek. ...and then promptly tried to hold back the urge to vomit. 

Gabriel froze for a second before saying, “Oh, um uh...yes! Right...Beez!” in an unnecessarily loud voice. Was it Beelzebub’s imagination, or was Gabe’s face redder than usual? 

“...well, I’m...we’re happy for you two,” Aziraphale said finally. “Love can really be a gift.”

Crowley looked around the room skeptically. “So you’re...really not here to kill us? No...tricks or…?” 

“None,” Beelzebub said, willing their smile to stay in place. “We juzzzt wanted a place to…”

“Date!” Gabe filled in. “So we have somewhere where we don’t have to hide our...love…yes!”

Crowley and Aziraphale shared a look. “Well...I suppose we can relate to that…” Aziraphale said hesitantly. “That’s why we came here.”

“Yes! And now we can become friends! Tell each other our secrets, trust each other with our lives, blindly follow us to the end of the world when we ask...friendship!” Gabe said with a grin. 

Aziraphale nodded slowly. “Er...yes…maybe.”

“But for now, we’re kind of busy, so why don’t you…” Crowley trailed off looking for the right word.

“Get a wiggle on?” Aziraphale supplied.

“Exactly! We- wait, wiggle on?”

Aziraphale shrugged and stood to open the door. “Unfortunately, I really must ask you two to, uh, head out.”

“Or get a “wiggle on”, apparently,” Crowley teased.

“Yes. We are busy, unfortunately.”

Beelzebub resisted the urge to scowl. They didn’t trust them yet. What more could they do? 

When neither Beelzebub nor Gabriel made any attempt to get up, Aziraphale said, “Perhaps we could get together again tomorrow? A Game night, perhaps?”

“Sure!” Gabe picked up Beelzebub and set them on their feet so he could stand. Oh, he was going to pay for that. “A game night for us friends! Wonderful!”

Aziraphale impatiently gestured to the door. “Yes, wonderful. See you then.”

As soon and they walked out the door, it slammed shut loudly. Which didn’t really sound like how you close the door after someone you were happy to see. Damnit. All they’d managed to do was make things awkward and let Crowley and Aziraphale know that they knew where they lived. That went fucking horrible.

"That went well!” Gabe grinned.


	10. The Plan

Crowley paced back and forth in front of the fireplace. “That went down like a lead balloon.”

“They  _ did  _ seem to like each other much more than they did that day at the airbase,” Aziraphale offered. 

  
“Aziraphale, don’t fall for it. They’re planning something….something.” There was no way the Lord Beelzebub that Crowley knew would smile at all, much less in the arms of their rival. Those two had some form of a plot. But what? And how could he and Aziraphale avoid it? “Maybe we should move,” he said finally. “They know we’re here.”

“But I quite like it here. It’s all...cozy.” 

Crowley wouldn’t force his angel to move if he didn’t want to. “Fine. But there has to be a way around this.” He sighed and sat down on the arm of Aziraphale’s chair. “Something we could do...some way to make sure they don’t pull anything.” 

Aziraphale tapped his chin in thought. “Crowley,” he said finally. “Do tell me if I’m being silly, but...what if we did...nothing?”

“What do you mean?” If they did nothing, surely they’d be killed in no time.

“Well, let’s say we  _ do  _ let them continue to come over. That was we have a way of keeping an eye on them.”

  
“Yes!” Crowley jumped to his feet. “And it keeps _us_ in control since they think they have the upper hand...that could work…” If Beelzebub and Gabriel were so preoccupied with being around them, then they would get exactly what they asked for. “Aziraphale, you brilliant bastard!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter is so short :/. My schedule has been thrown out of wack and will stay that way for the next few days, so updates may be shorter until I get back into the swing of things. :)


	11. It's Just A Job

Gabriel paced in front of the cottage as he waited for Beelzebub. Though the day before had gone nearly perfect, he couldn’t help but feel strange about the whole affair. Beelzebub had...kissed him...well, of course, it had only been for show, but Crowley and Aziraphale were  _ clearly  _ buying it, kissing or no. So..why had they done it? And more importantly, why did the question bother him so? 

He sighed and brushed nonexistent wrinkles out of his cardigan, trying to brush away his frivolous thoughts as well. Beelzebub was only playing their part in the business transaction they and Gabriel had struck. And that was what Gabriel was doing as well. This was nothing more than-

“What are you doing?” 

Gabriel jumped and spun around to find Beelzebub standing behind him with their arms crossed. “Beelzebub! Hello! I was just waiting for you!”

They rolled their eyes and gestured for Gabriel to walk to the doorstep with them.

“You know, yesterday went fantastic! Did you see how they believed every word? Incredible!” 

Beelzebub only gave him an incredulous look and knocked on the door. “Yeah.  _ incredible _ ,” they muttered sarcastically. 

Gabriel cautiously grabbed Beelzebub’s hand as the door opened. 

“Um..good evening! Aziraphale said from the doorway. 

Gabriel gave his friendliest smile and waved with his free hand. “Hello! Beelzebub and I are here for the game night you mentioned yesterday! The one for just us couples! Because Beelzebub and I like each other so much. As much as you like  _ your  _ demon, I’m sure!”

“...yes, of course. Come on in...Gabriel.” He stepped aside to let Gabriel and Beelzebub inside. 

Ok. He had to focus. No more worrying about Beelzebub, and the fact that they were still holding hands. They had a job to do, and Gabriel had to take it seriously if it was going to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the short chapter! Expect longer updates around Monday


	12. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take a shot every time Beez says "stupid", lmao. Updates should be longer and better starting tomorrow

Beelzebub _was_ going to sit in Gabe’s lap again, but decided against it and just sat next to him. He’d been acting stupider than usual since they’d sat in his lap last time, and the last thing they wanted to do was encourage him to become even dumber.

He subtly put an arm around their shoulders and they had to resist punching him. This was the worst. And having Crowley and Aziraphale watching them awkwardly didn’t help. 

“So…” Aziraphale muttered.

  
“Game night!” Gabe supplied, putting on that stupid grin he does whenever he’s being fake. Well jokes on Crowley and Aziraphale, since Beelzebub was the reason that stupid grin even _existed._

“What does “game night” even mean?” Crowley mused. “Does it _have_ to be at night? Are there games we _have_ to play?”

Beelzebub tried to think of a “game”, but they haven’t cared about Earth customs...ever. 

The four of them sat awkwardly and looked at each other. There was no way Gabe would know of any “games”, so it seemed, unfortunately, that what they did was going to be up to Crowley and Aziraphale. 

This was all so stupid. Beelzebub crossed their arms and leaned their head back until they hit Gabe’s shoulder. Hopefully resting their head on his shoulder would be enough to look romantic without making Old Gabe short circuit for some reason. They could swear he got stupider every day. 

“....how about charades!” Aziraphale piped up. 

“What the fuck izzz _that_?”


	13. You First

Gabriel couldn’t believe humans played these sort of games for fun. What Aziraphale described sounded like more of a form of torture than something pleasant. 

“You two can go first!” Aziraphale said genially, handing Gabriel a bowl full of small pieces of paper, folded in half. Ridiculous. 

“Here...Beez,” he said, still wrapping his mind around the nickname he’d come up with. “You go first.” Gabriel was almost proud of himself for that, as he'd never seen the point in nicknames. But now he had his own nickname to call Beelzebub when they called him "Gabe". As the humans say, fight fire with fire.

“Gee, thankzzz,” they muttered sarcastically as they took the bowl and trudged to the front of the room. “let’zzz hope it’zzz zzzomething dezzzent.” they reached into the bowl and selected a paper. 

As they read it over, a strange look crossed their face. Suddenly Gabriel had a sinking feeling about this. Perhaps he shouldn’t have let Beelzebub go first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha I lied this is the shortest chapter yet. Hopefully, I'll get my schedule back in order tomorrow and I'll have the time to actually write lmao


	14. Charades

Of all the things Beelzebub has done in their life, this had to be the most humiliating; just standing in front of Crowley, Aziraphale, and Gabe as they all watched intently was awful. _And_ add onto that this awful game. Stupid. They sighed and put the piece of paper into their pocket. They were  _ not  _ doing this. 

Especially not with the word they had gotten. It was as if it was specifically placed there to be the worst possible choice for Beelzebub. 

“Are you ready to begin?” Aziraphale asked a little too sweetly. 

Beelzebub nodded and resigned themself to making a fool of themself. They started off by pointing directly at Gabe. 

“Me?” he muttered. 

Beelzebub shook their head and pointed again. This was so idiotic. How could anyone get entertainment from this? 

“Me! Myself. Angels! Smart? Handsome!” Gabe continued excitedly. 

Beelzebub could barely contain their fury. Those two had done this on purpose! 

  
“Gabriel. The best. Uh, romantic partner! _Your_ romantic partner! Because, you know, we’re in a relationship!” 

“I give up already!” Beelzebub crossed their arms and sat back down on the couch. This was too much. They’d already lost enough of their dignity recently. 

Crowley smirked. “Looks like we’re in the lead then, Angel.” 

“I suppose so.” Aziraphale flounced to the front of the room and fished a piece of paper out of the bowl Beelzebub had left on the floor.

Before he could begin, Gabe held up a hand. “Wait, what was your word...Beez…?”

“Yes, what  _ was  _ it?” Crowley asked with a smug expression. Oh, he was going to pay for this. 

There was no way Beelzebub was going to tell the truth, so they blurted out the first thing off the top of their head. “Your zzzcarf.” They lightly tugged on the gray scarf Gabe had on for emphasis. And, if Crowley and Aziraphale weren’t watching, they would have added, “you dumbass”. 

“Oh…” Did he seem almost disappointed? Did he _want_ them to say something else? What the Heaven was going on with him today?

Aziraphale and Crowley exchanged a mildly confused look before Aziraphale clapped to get everyone’s attention. “Alright, I’ll begin now.” He mimed opening a book, and immediately Crowley raised his hand as if in a classroom.

“Oh!” he crowed. “It’s that book you love by that Oscar what’s-his-name...Dorian! That’s the book, isn’t it?” 

Aziraphale grinned and nodded. “That’s one point for us!” 

Beelzebub could barely believe it. They _had_ to have been cheating in some way. How could Crowley have possibly known the exact answer so quickly? “This game is ridiculous. Can we play  _ anything  _ else?” 

Gabe put an arm around Beelzebub’s shoulders and added, “Yes! As Beez’s significant other in which they are in a romantic and sexual relationship with, I must support their request! Because we’re dating! Just like you two are! We're the same!” 

It was then that Beelzebub decided to give him one last chance to become a better actor before they just started punching him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, chapters should be of much better quality now that I'm back on track, schedule-wise :). Enjoy!


	15. Truth or Dare?

Gabriel was almost disappointed that he didn’t get a chance to participate in “charades”. It seemed like a pleasant enough human game. And he definitely didn’t like the fact that switching to a different game meant that Aziraphale had won. 

But Beelzebub wanted to play something else, so that was what they would do. ...because he had to pretend to be their boyfriend. Not because he really cared what that _demon_ wanted. It was just an act...wasn’t it? 

“How about we move on to truth or dare, then?” Aziraphale suggested. 

“Azzz long azzz it izzzn’t zzztupid “charadezzz”, I don’t care,” Beelzebub hissed. 

Gabriel gave their shoulder a squeeze lightly and grinned. “Beez, that’s no way to talk to our new friends! These two friends that we have so much in common with!”

They rolled their eyes and followed Aziraphale to the front of the room where he was gesturing for everyone else to join him. Gabriel found himself sitting in between Beelzebub and Aziraphale in a circle on the floor. What could it mean that they were sitting like this? Humans had the strangest rituals. 

Crowley gave them a brief overview, but Gabriel could tell Beelzebub wasn’t listening. He sighed inwardly, realizing he would have to explain it all to them as soon as they checked back into reality. But then again, he should be used to that by now. He _was_ the brains of the two of them, obviously.

“Lord Beelzebub!” Crowley started as soon as Aziraphale finished explaining. “How about you go first?” 

“What?”

“Beez, weren’t you listening?” Gabe asked, forcing a laugh. “You need to pick one.”

“Truth or Dare?” Crowley asked.

Beelzebub gave Gabriel a good glare. “If looks could kill”, as the humans say….”Why do i alwayzzz have to go firzzzt?”

“Well?” Aziraphale pressed. “We just think it’s polite to let our friends go first. And you _are_ our friends, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, yeah. Dare then, whatever,” They said quickly before Gabriel could answer.

Aziraphale and Crowley began whispering to each other, plotting whatever they were going to ask Beelzebub. 

“What are they even doing?” They asked under their breath.

Gabriel shifted nervously. “The point of the game seems to be mild humiliation. I believe they are going to ask you to do something ridiculous so they can laugh at you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that wazzz what I wazzz fucking zzzigning up for?!” They snapped. 

“Maybe you should have just paid attention when they were explaining it!” Why were they so infuriating today? Well, they were _always_ infuriating, but they seemed to have doubled down their efforts. 

“Alright, are you ready?” Aziraphale asked excitedly, turning back to Gabriel and Beelzebub. 

Gabriel hurriedly threw his arm around Beelzebub’s shoulders and nodded. He hoped they hadn’t noticed them arguing. Couples do _not_ argue ever. And they had to be the _perfect_ couple if their plan was going to work. 

“What do I have to do?” Beelzebub asked in a defeated tone. 

Aziraphale leaned over and whispered something in Beelzebub’s ear. 

They did _not_ look happy about their assignment. Whatever it was, it sure wasn’t going to help improve their attitude. Unfortunate.


	16. You've GOT To Be Kidding Me.

He _Had_ to be fucking kidding. Gabe had _clearly_ not given these two enough credit because they obviously knew that Beelzebub and Gabe weren’t really together. Why else would they dare them to...ugh... _kiss_ Gabe? “We think it would be cute,” their ass! 

It had to have been Crowley’s idea. He was playing with them. The only thing stopping Beelzebub from dropping the act and trying to kill him the old fashioned way was the strangely casual atmosphere. They didn’t want to disturb it in any way.

With a sigh, they turned to Gabriel and started stealing themself for what they’d have to do for the sake of the plan.

“Well? What’s the dare?” Gabe asked with an intrigued expression. This was the worst. “Oh! Does it have to do with-” 

Beelzebub tentatively put a hand on Gabe’s shoulder. 

Gabe shifted awkwardly. “What’cha doing...Beez…?” 

“I’m zzzorry,” they muttered. It was kind of to Gabe, but mostly to themselves. Oh, as soon as this was all over, they would kill Crowley. They would kill Crowley but _good_. 

But for now, they tried to picture how the humans did it in movies, and lunged forward.


	17. Aftermath

Gabriel has elected to never discuss the following minute and a half ever for the rest of eternity. 

He tried not to notice Beelzebub wiping their mouth on their sleeve and resisted wiping his own mouth on his scarf. But that wouldn’t be very dignified or...couple-ish, would it? He was sure Aziraphale never wipe away Crowley’s touch. Of course, this was an _entirely_ different scenario. There was _no way in Hell_ Gabriel would ever have _wanted_ for this to happen. And he certainly didn’t _enjoy_ it at all. That would be preposterous! 

“How sweet!” Aziraphale cooed. 

Crowley nodded in agreement. “Yes, yes, very nice.” 

At least those two idiots seem to have been fooled by their dedication to the plan. Perhaps now they’ll finally completely trust him and Beez. And then once these traitors are taken care of, they can pretend this ordeal never happened. “Simple as cake”, as the humans say. ...or was it “Easy as pie”? No matter. 

“Can we move on now?” Beelzebub finally snapped. 

“Yes, I’ll go next,” Crowley said, leaning against Aziraphale’s side. “And I’ll pick Truth.”

Beelzebub tilted their head back in thought for a minute, which drew Gabriel’s attention to the fly on their head. It had such big eyes...it was almost aesthetically pleasing, with all the little geometric shapes...fascinating. 

And then it clicked. If Crowley had to tell the truth, then that’s what he would do. “Tell us your greatest weakness!” Gabriel said excitedly. This would be easy! 

When everyone else gave him a strange look, he hastily added, “You know, because we’re such good friends! It’s a fun get-to-know-you-question, don’t you think?” 

Beez looked about ready to murder him with one glare. Maybe the fly did too, now that Gabriel was thinking about it. Did it have its own emotions? Was it even alive? Demons had such strange anatomy…

“Alright then,” Crowley said finally. “I guess I’d have to say all of you, wouldn’t I? “Because we’re such good friends!”...don’t you think?” Gabriel couldn’t be sure, but that sounded very smug and sarcastic. Did Crowley trust them or not? He wanted to believe “Yes”, but now he wasn’t sure. 

No, there was no way he could have seen through Gabriel and Beelzebub’s top-notch acting. Not a chance! Soon enough he and Aziraphale will be trusting Gabriel and Beelzebub with their very lives. Literally. 

“I believe it’s _your_ turn now, Gabriel,” Aziraphale said. 

Oh. Time to choose. Well, he had just experienced the consequences of “dare”, and that wasn’t exactly ideal. So, that only left “truth”. But then again, he had plenty of secrets he didn’t want to reveal, like the entire reason he was there in the first place. It was a surprisingly difficult choice. 

“He’ll pick truth,” Beelzebub said after a minute. 

“Hey, I-”

“-wazzz taking too long. Zzzo I picked f _or_ you, _Gabe_. Azzz your _partner_ , izzzn’t that my _job_ , or zzzomething?”

  
Gabriel sighed. Where had that attitude come from? What had gotten into them? “Fine, I...trust your judgment, Beez…” 

And then he shifted his attention towards Crowley and Aziraphale. His fate was in their hands. Or, at least what was left of his dignity was.


	18. Tell Us Who You Liiiiike

All of this was so stupid. Gabe didn’t look so obnoxiously confident now that _he_ was the one with his ass on the line. Beelzebub hoped Crowley was smart enough to make him say something even stupider than usual. 

“Alright Gabriel,” Crowley said after a few minutes of deliberation. “Tell us. What _exactly_ do you like about Lord Beelzebub?”

“...excuse me?” 

You’ve _got_ to be fucking kidding. What did they ever do to _him? ..._ .well, except try to kill him once or twice. But that was no excuse for _this_! 

“You heard me. When you’re in a relationship, you really like each other. And you two _are_ in a relationship, aren’t you?” Crowley asked smugly. 

Gabe’s face seemed redder than usual. “...Of course! Me and Beez! Very much in love! Just like you two! Because we’re the same!” 

“Alright, then what do you like about them?” 

Beelzebub couldn’t wait to tear Crowley’s stupid smirk off his face. Literally. With their bare hands. But that would destroy " _the mood"_. And Crowley probably wouldn't trust them if they physically maimed him. They exchanged a look with Gabe and sighed, hoping his terrible acting would hold up enough for him not to say anything too stupid. 

“Well…” Gabe gave them a slightly panicked look. “They are...nice. No! _Not_ nice, I mean they’re the Prince of Hell, so, they... _look_ nice? Very...there is a fly on their head! It has very fascinating eyes, and...so does Beez?”

He could _not_ have said anything stupider. Did he really spend time staring at their head? It was almost...funny if that’s what he thinks is romantic. They couldn’t help but laugh a little. _Not_ because they thought Gabe was funny or anything. They were 100% laughing _at_ him. Because he’s dumb. No other reason. Gabe is really stupid.

And...he was staring at Beelzebub really weirdly. “What?”

“...And they have a nice laugh!” he blurted out a little too loudly. Did...he really mean that? What the Heaven was happening? And why did Crowley and Aziraphale just share a conspiratorial look? 

This was getting out of control. 


	19. Until Next Time

The rest of “game night” flew by in a very strange blur. Gabriel had been feeling especially out of sorts ever since Truth or Dare. What was wrong with him? 

“Well, until next time, you two!” Aziraphale chirped as he waved them out the door. 

“Yes!” Gabriel crowed. “Yes, next time! Because we’re friends! And friends spend time together and trust each other!”

“...right. Bye, now,” Crowley said, closing the front door a little harder than what Gabriel thought was necessary. 

Once they were alone, Gabriel turned slowly to Beelzebub. “Well...”

“What the Heaven juzzzt happened?!” They cried. “You were acting much zzztupider than uzzzual.”

“Well, I mean...I guess I was thrown off by that...dare-”

“We will  _ never  _ zzzpeak of that. Ever,” they snapped, shoving their hands into their pockets. “That went awful and we zzzhould never do it again.”

Gabriel was taken aback. Yes, it was a bit unpleasant, but it was working! He was sure if they just kept at it for a bit longer…”But they’re trusting us, Beez! We can’t just stop  _ now _ !”

Beelzebub gave him an almost horrified look. “You called me “Beezzz”. And not just to zzzhow off in front of Crowley and Azzziraphale.” 

“Did I?” Gabriel was fairly certain he would have noticed if he had spontaneously turned into one of those people who liked nicknames. “No, you must have misheard me.”

  
They rolled their eyes at him. “Whatever. But I don’t think _any_ revenge izzz worth my dignity. At leazzzt not in _thizzz_ way.”

“But it’s working! We  _ have  _ to keep this up. ...And...besides...it isn’t  _ that  _ horrible, is it? Unpleasant, maybe, but-” 

“Forget it, Gabriel,” They said, spinning on their heel. 

“Wait! At least...can we meet up tomorrow at our...location to discuss this?”

Beelzebub turned back around and looked at Gabriel for a minute. “...fine.” They turned around again and yanked their hands out of their pockets. A piece of paper fell out and fluttered to the ground, but they didn’t seem to notice. “Zzzee you then.” 

After watching them walk away, Gabriel picked up the piece of paper Beelzebub had dropped. It was from charades. And it did  _ not  _ say “scarf”. 

“Bully”...Gabriel tried to think back to the last time he had taken note of human slang. It was a couple of centuries ago. The 1600s maybe? Or, no, maybe the 1700s? 1800s? One of those. And hadn’t “bully” meant...sweeetheart? 

And Beelzebub had chosen to point...at him? 


	20. Confrontation

Beelzebub wandered onto neutral ground to find Gabe pacing back and forth. He stopped when he noticed them walking in. “Beelzebub!” he said. “You’re...right on time!”

They were? Damnit. The last thing they wanted was for Gabe to start thinking they liked him at all or anything. Which they don’t. “Whatever.” 

For the next few minutes, they just kept staring at each other from opposite ends of the room. What had gotten into Gabe? Usually, by now, he was halfway through some stupid monologue about his idiotic plan or whatever. If Gabe didn’t have anything to say to them, why should they stand around? They had all of Hell to look after, after all. Just as they were about to break the silence to tell him this, he spoke up.

“Charades.”

“What?”

Gabe put his hands into his pockets and stepped closer to Beelzebub. “When we played charades yesterday, you said your word was scarf.”

Beelzebub took a step back. What was he on about? “Zzzo? You wear a zzztupid zzzcarf. ZZZo I used it for the word.”

“No, you didn’t.” He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and showed it to Beelzebub. “This fell out of your pocket last night.”

Shit. Fuck. God fucking damnit fucking fuck shit bitch fuck.

“And...doesn’t bully mean sweetheart?” Gabe continued. Beelzebub hurridly tried to think of something to say. Not that they needed to cover for anything. They did  _ not  _ think  _ Gabe  _ of all people was a sweetheart or anything. Or any term of endearment. What even  _ is  _ a term of endearment??

“Beez?” he asked when they didn’t respond. And since when did he use nicknames? What was  _ happening _ ?

“That’zzz not what I meant!” they blurted finally. “It...it doezzzn’t mean that anymore! I...I think Hazzztur mentioned it changed. Lazzzt century.” They frantically tried to think of what the meaning had changed to but came up empty. So instead, they took the paper from Gabe and tore it into pieces. “And who carezzz anyway? It’zzz juzzzt a zzztupid game. It doezzzn’t mean anything.”

“Ah...yes,” Gabe said after a pause. “Of course. I, uh,” he cleared his throat, ”was just curious, is all. It means nothing. We’re just... _ pretending  _ to like each other, of course.”

“Duh. And zzzpeaking of which, I’m not doing this zzzhit anymore. It’zzz getting too weird and it’zzz not worth it.”

Gabe looked almost upset. “No! I mean…” He carefully changed his expression to his usual stupid one. “Look, Beez-  _ Beelzebub _ . We agreed that we would follow through with this plan  _ together _ . And it would be ridiculous to give up  _ now _ . We’re so close!”

“It’zzz alzzzo ridiculouzzz to juzzzt give up my dignity like thizzz.”

Gabe dejectedly put his hands into his pockets. “Am I really that awful, Beez?”

What sort of question was  _ that _ ? Why the Heaven would he care what Beelzebub thought? And did this mean that he... _ didn’t  _ dislike Beelzebub? Not that it mattered or anything. He’s stupid. “Yezzz!” they said at first. But then when they saw his face fall, they just couldn’t. “I mean, no. Not really. Maybe! I don’t know. You’re zzztupid!” 

They spun on their heel and started to walk away. This whole thing was ridiculous and they didn’t have time for it.

“Wait!” Gabe called. “Is the plan still on or what?”

“I’ll zzzee you here tomorrow!” they snapped as they walked away. Gabe may be a big, stupid idiot, but his plan wasn’t half bad. And Beelzebub hated to let his one moment of intelligence go to waste. And...maybe it wasn’t  _ so  _ horrible being near him, or whatever. He’s still stupid, though.


	21. Stood Up?

Gabriel couldn’t figure it out. What was this tight feeling in his chest? The one that made his legs shake a little and made him want to pace about the room? What did humans call it again?

Oh. Nerves. But what did he need to be “nervous” for? God had her plans laid out, so it wasn’t like he needed to think too hard over what happened when. ...well, Beelzebub  _ was  _ nearly a full hour late to their meeting, but...that was no reason for nerves either. What did it matter whether or not Beelzebub continued with the plan? Gabriel could continue on without them. 

And yet…

Sure, they were almost always late by 15 or 20 minutes, but this was excessive. Perhaps they really weren’t coming. Or...maybe something happened to them? Gabriel tried not to think of the much-too-graphic descriptions Beez had given him of what holy water did to demons. 

“What’zzz up, lozzzer?” Beelzebub said suddenly from the front of the room. Gabriel had never been more relieved to hear the buzz of their voice. ...wait, that wasn’t right. He found that buzzing  _ irritating... _ didn’t he? 

“Bet you thought I wazzzn’t coming.” they continued, taking a seat on a desk. 

“Well...you  _ are  _ an hour late,” Gabriel said. “But I’m glad you’re here.”

“ _ Are  _ you?”

Gabriel blinked at them. This was a very off day for him. 

“Take a picture, it’ll lazzzt longer,” Beelzebub snapped. “Don’t make me regret coming back.”

“Right!” Gabriel took a seat in one of the rolling chairs. “So...what is our next plan of attack? I don’t believe we have their  _ full  _ trust yet, but we must be close! I mean, they ate up our every word!”

Beelzebub gave them a doubtful look and rolled their eyes. 

“What?”

  
“Oh, it’zzz nothing, _Gabe_.” 

Well then...Beelzebub was very confusing. One moment they seemed almost...not unpleasant to be around, and then the next they would get all snippy. What did it mean? Gabriel couldn't wrap his mind around it. “So…” he started.

“Zzzo let’zzz juzzzt go back to the zzztupid cottage.”

“But they’re not expecting us,” Gabriel said, wondering what they could do more to gain Crowley and Aziraphale’s trust.

“Zzzo? They weren’t expecting uzzz the firzzzt time either.”

“Good point! So why don’t we go! We can do more friend things with them! Because they think we’re friends!” He noticed Beelzebub giving them a strange look. “What?”

They seemed to mull something over before rolling their eyes. “Nothing, nothing. Forget it.”

Right. Well...it was off to see another Angel and Demon then! ...another as in one separate Angel and Demon.  _ Not  _ another couple comprised of an Angel and Demon. Because he and Beelzebub weren’t  _ really  _ seeing each other. It was only a ruse! Only...a ruse... 


	22. Knock Knock

Gabe was getting more and more ridiculous by the day. It was hard for Beelzebub to believe that he was as stupid as he seemed. As they watched him preen, admiring his reflection in the front window of the cottage, it finally struck them what Gabe reminded them of. A bird. A very, very stupid bird that flies into doors and windows at top speed and somehow hasn’t died yet. 

“Anytime,  _ Prince Charming _ ,” they snapped. The only thing worse than being in that stupid cottage was standing aimlessly  _ outside  _ of it. 

“You think I’m charming?” he asked obliviously. 

This was the wost. How had he not heard of Prince Charming before? Even _Beelzebub_ knew about that aspect of human culture. It must be difficult being that stupid, they mused. They were almost reluctant to burst his stupid little bubble. Almost. “Not in the zzzlightest.” They reached forward and knocked on the door.

Beelzebub could feel Gabe’s eyes on them as they waited for Crowley and Aziraphale to get the door. “What?” they snapped. 

“Nothing.” He quickly averted his eyes, but they knew. What had gotten into him?

It was almost like he...liked them or something. Gross. Beelzebub would  _ never  _ do anything like that. They would  never  do something like find his stupidity weirdly endearing...Which it very much _isn't_. 

“...what’s taking so long?” Gabe asked. He knocked on the door again. 

Beelzebub wouldn’t be surprised to hear that the couple had gotten tired of humoring Gabe’s awful “acting”. “Maybe they finally caught on,” they muttered snarkily.

“Don’t say that!” He crossed his arms. “We’ve been getting along so well! There must be an explanation.” 

Beelzebub rolled their eyes. Until Crowley or Aziraphale answered the door, they were going to be stuck alone with Gabe.  _ Fantastic _ . 

Gabe was looking at them again. “You think they’re busy?” he asked. 

“If they weren’t, wouldn’t they be anzzzwering the fucking door?”

“Right…” He seemed at a complete loss for words for once. 

Well, this is going to be fun.

And by "fun", they mean "insufferable".


	23. Not Beez, TREES.

It had been nearly 15 long minutes since Beelzebub had first knocked on the door and Gabriel was starting to get worried. Maybe Beez was right, and they had seen through their ruse. But how could that be? He and Beelzebub’s acting had been perfect! There was no way they could have been able to tell that they were lying. 

He raised his hand to knock again, but Beelzebub stopped him. “Forget it,” they said, pushing his hand back down. “They’re probably not even here.”

That would explain it! “Ah! Precisely!” He exclaimed. “That would explain why they have not answered the door!” 

Beelzebub rolled their eyes at him. Gabriel could never tell where he stood with them. Did they hate him or not? And did he  _ really  _ care about the answer to that question? 

“So...we should come back later!” he suggested. “But what should we do in the meantime?” 

Instinctively, both he and Beelzebub looked around the immediate area for inspiration. It felt silly for them to go back to their respective realms only to come back here a few hours later. It would raise too much suspicion. But Gabriel had never really spent more than a few minutes on Earth without a specific task to do, and he was fairly certain Beelzebub was the same way. 

“What about  _ that _ ?” Beelzebub asked, pointing to a pathway leading into the nearby woods. 

“Perfect!” A quick stroll should give Crowley and Aziraphale enough time to return home  _ and  _ it would be a good opportunity to become more familiar with Earth plants and animals! Who knew if that could come in handy one day. “A walk it is!” 

He started leading Beelzebub into the woods. “Why do I already regret thizzz?” they asked. It felt more directed to themself than Gabriel, but he couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed for some reason. Was it truly that terrible for them to be alone together? ...not that it was good either. Gabriel was strictly indifferent to Beelzebub due to their current truce for their plan. And yet…

“How long will thizzz take?” Beelzebub absently wandered over to a tree and touched a hand to its bark. They made a strange face. What could be so odd about it?

Gabriel walked over to the tree and put his own hand on the bark just higher than Beez’s hand. It was surprisingly rough. “As long as we want, I suppose,” he said. His hand and Beelzebub's were nearly touching, not that it mattered. The longer he had his hand on the bark, the less gritty and rough it felt, and the more natural and intriguing it became. What _was_ bark, even? What made a tree a tree? 

Had Gabriel really never touched a tree before? Strange. How had trees and Gabriel both been around for so long, and yet it hadn’t occurred to either of them to meet? Maybe...maybe Gabriel had been avoiding trees for no reason? And now that they were in the same area for the first time...it turned out that Gabriel and trees really worked well together.

Just maybe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the kind of lackluster chapter yesterday. I wasn't really sure where I was going for the next mini arc, but now I do, so strap in ur seatbelts boys :)


	24. (Finally) Popping The Question

Gabe was staring at the tree for way too long. It was like, a full minute of nothing but elevator music in there. Sure, the texture of the bark was weird when you first touch it, but not  _ that  _ weird. What could be going on in that stupid head of his? 

Beelzebub reached forward and shoved him. “Hey, it’zzz juzzzt a tree.” 

He jumped back and his face went red. He seemed to be doing that a lot recently. “Beez! I mean, er uh, trees! Yes, isn’t it...fascinating?” 

“No.” They kept on walking and felt Gabe trailing behind them. Beelzebub did  _ not  _ like the implications of Gabe’s face going red. They’d never seen him... _ blush  _ before. Or show much of  _ any  _ strong emotions. And now it was several times in just a few days. Could it be that he was  _ really  _ developing feelings for them? 

They sure hoped not. What a stupid pair they would make. A high-powered, calm, and collected angel that always seemed to pull himself together despite his inherent stupidity and...Beelzebub. Sure, they were the Prince of Hell, but that wasn’t much of a compliment. Just a lot of extra work. Kind of like being a teacher to a bunch of small children. Only the children all hate you and will do whatever they want and only let you have _any_ authority because you put on the styrofoam crown first.

Not that any of that matters, because Beelzebub definitely did  _ not  _ like Gabe at all. In fact, they hated him. Nothing about him was endearing or anything...not even his stupidity or the fact that he acts like a stupid little pet bird or newborn puppy.

Beelzebub hated animals. And Gabe. 100%.

“Hey, Beez?” Gabe finally piped up.

“What?”

He shuffled his feet nervously. “Well...I’ve been meaning to ask you...I mean...we’ve spent a lot of time together these past few days…”

Oh,  _ FUCK  _ no. This was not happening. They paused and turned to Gabe. He  _ better  _ not say what they thought he was going to say.

“And...I was wondering…” he continued. 

“...What’s the deal with that fly on your head? It is a pet, or...a part of your head? Does it have a name?”

Beelzebub had never felt more relieved and...something else...over a question. They couldn’t help but burst into laughter. It was such a stupid, idiotic,  _ purely  _ Archangel Gabriel question to ask. 

But...what was this feeling they had in their chest? It wasn’t...no...it  _ couldn’t  _ be…

...Disappointment? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I may or may not have snuck in a teeny tiny reference (that isn't really a reference) to another fandom of mine into this chapter. If you can find it, you get a prize that isn't really a prize because I have nothing to offer lmao. Maybe any question you want to ask me answered? (about the fic? or me? Idk.) For now, the prize is my respect lmao ;)


	25. Heart To...Whatever It Is Beelzebub Has

Gabriel had known Beelzebub for over six thousand years. And somehow this was only the second time he’d ever seen them laugh. It was...not the absolute worst thing ever. Definitely not as annoying as he used to think their voice was. 

...what an odd development. Gabriel wondered what it could mean. That they were becoming friends? Perhaps spending so much time together had given them some sort of mutual respect. ...if it  _ was  _ mutual. It was hard to tell with Beez.

But why had they started laughing in the first place? It was a genuine question. “So…” he prompted. 

“You are zzzo, zzzo zzztupid,” they responded, starting to walk again. Gabe followed after them, not sure what that had to do with his question. Were they...not going to answer it? 

The two of them walked in silence for some time while Gabriel tried to come up with something to say. He hated just being in silence, but he wanted a  _ real  _ answer. Not just laughing. A bird or two flew over his head and into the treeline. One thing was clear: Earth's nature was beautiful. 

“Isn’t it nice?” he asked finally. 

“Izzzn’t  _ what  _ nice?” 

“This place. I’ve never seen all these animals and such before...who knew Earth held this much life?”

They looked at him incredulously. “Did you think it wazzz juzzzt humanzzz?” 

Gabriel shrugged. He’d never really thought much of  _ anything _ . He generally just spent most of his time in Heaven. It wasn’t  _ his  _ job to care about what was happening on Earth. And he almost always only did what he was told. He’d also never thought about it, but demons must have so much more freedom. Especially since Beelzebub seems to know so much about Earth and its culture. 

“Your zzztupidity alwayzzz zzzurprzizzezzz me,” they continued. “How do you do it?”

Gabriel thought about it. He certainly never thought of himself as “stupid”. But he supposed that he  _ was  _ fairly ignorant of things. But then again, he’s spent nearly every second of his existence up in Heaven doing whatever tasks he was assigned. “I’m not sure it’s really me being “stupid”...” he began. “I think of it more as...naivete. I mean, it’s not like I’ve had much of a chance to come down here before. There are always things to do upstairs, and...I can’t  _ not  _ do as I’m told.” 

Beelzebub looked him over for a minute. “...I guess that makezzz zzzenzzze. I remember it being zzztrict like that before I....”

“Left the department?” he offered.

Beelzebub nodded. 

“So what about you, then? Why are you always so...snippy? Is that the word for it? Maybe snarky?”

They shrugged. 

“It’s alright to at least  _ pretend  _ to be kind sometimes.” After all this time, Gabriel was practically the CEO of that. 

They narrowed their eyes. “Not in Hell. Down there, if you zzzhow any weakness, you’re done for. I have azzz much power as I do, becauzzze I don’t let anyone elzzze get the chance to take it from me.”

Huh. Gabriel hadn’t thought about that. It made sense that demons would be a lot more cutthroat than his heavenly coworkers. They were, after all, demons. And demons never were ones for rule-following. But that must be difficult, having to make all the decisions yourself rather than the instructions being handed to you in a neatly stapled packet. 

“I’m sorry,” he said finally. “About…the hand you were dealt.” He hoped Beez would understand what he meant. 

They looked at him strangely. “Thankzzz…” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hop ehti sc chapter maked sense Im really tierd.s.


	26. #Not_My_Gabriel

Beelzebub shook their head and started walking faster. No. No, no, no. They were  _ not  _ having a heart to heart with  _ Gabe  _ of all people. If they started having... _ sympathy  _ for each other, who  _ knew  _ what would happen? 

Gabe followed close by. “Hey, Beez, wait up!”

Beelzebub had never bothered thinking about why Gabe was as stupid as he was. But...it made sense. He really _was_ just some sheltered, naive canary. Fantastic. Did that mean  _ they  _ were the one who had to guide him through the world as the more experienced one? ....Well, they were sort of already doing that. 

“What?” they snapped, pausing to look at him. 

“Just...don’t speed off like that. We were...talking.” He looked almost embarrassed. 

He looked so sad...wait, what was Beelzebub  _ thinking _ ? They  _ couldn’t  _ like Gabe. He was so stupid! And obnoxious! And...strangely honest...and maybe the stupidity was  _ a little  _ endearing. But that didn’t mean they cared about him or anything. This was all ridiculous! And  _ definitely  _ not  what they signed up for.

“Zzzo?” they asked finally. “What’zzz that matter?” A dejected look crossed Gabe’s face, and for some reason, Beelzebub...didn’t want that?

“Zzzo,” they began again, “what’zzz Heaven like thezzze dayzzz?” 

Gabe gave them a smile and started walking again. “Oh, not too different from the old days. Lot’s of work to be done...it’s very pristine…”

“Lot’s of Rodgers and Hammerstein?” Beelzebub offered wryly.

Gabriel laughed. “She does seem to love that song…” It was the most genuine laugh Beelzebub had ever heard from him. Was this...his real laugh? It must be irritating as fuck to be so fake all the time. It was part of why Beelzebub was never fake about anything. They always told people when they hated them upfront.

“Nice laugh,” they muttered sarcastically.  _ Sarcastically _ , though. They didn’t mean it or anything. It was actually a pretty obnoxious laugh, or whatever.

Gabe’s face went red again. “Really? Because...I like yours.” 

Beelzebub stopped dead in their tracks.  _ What in the ever-loving fucking fuck was going on _ ?? “Really?” They asked incredulously.

“Sure! I...didn’t even know you  _ could  _ laugh until Game Night.” 

They smacked him on the shoulder. Not  _ too  _ hard or anything, but that’s  _ not  _ because they didn’t want to hurt him. They just...he wasn’t worth it. “Of  _ course  _ I can fucking laugh, you dumbass.” 

He laughed again and rubbed his arm where they hit him. “Oh really? I wouldn't believe it if I didn’t hear it with my own two eyes.” Was he...teasing them? What had gotten into him? This was a brand new side of Gabe. 

And...maybe it wasn’t so horrible? 

Not that Beelzebub likes him. That would be stupid. And Beelzebub isn’t stupid. Gabe is. 100%. 


	27. Friendship?

Gabriel couldn’t remember the last time he felt this relaxed. Who knew that under all the sarcasm and threats of violence, Beelzebub was actually...maybe not that bad? Were they...becoming friends? Is this what friendship feels like? 

“Yeah, well, you’re zzztupid,” they snapped at him.

“And apparently I have the superior sense of humor, too,” he added. 

They rolled their eyes at him. “Bullzzzhit. I have a zzzenzzze of humor.”

“And what do you find funny? Dismemberment?” 

“What do you find funny? Paperwork?” they shot back. Was this...playful banter? Gabriel had never had a conversation like this before. It was so much nicer than the professional conversations up in Heaven, or his arguments with Beelzebub in the past. 

He laughed and then took a second to inhale the crisp air. It felt so nice. “I...really like this,” he said. 

Beez gave him a strange look and shoved their hands into their pockets. “I guess...you’re being less annoying than uzzzual.”

Gabriel couldn’t help but grin. That was the absolute nicest thing Beez had ever said to him! Who knew that this walk was going to be the best decision ever? Now, Gabriel had an actual ally downstairs. A friend. Someone he wanted to be close to a lot and thought was pretty and who he liked talking to all the time. That was friendship...right? The desire to be with someone 24/7 and maybe even...kiss them again? 

He couldn’t be sure, since he’d never felt this way about anyone before. But whatever it was, he kind of liked it. But Beelzebub was always so difficult to read. Did they feel the same way he did? Was there a way to tell? 

Wait...of course there was! 

“Hey, Beez?” he asked. 

Beez looked up from the pathway ahead of them to look him in the eye. “What?” 

“Do you like me?” 

They tried to come to a halt, but tripped mid-step and almost fell over. Luckily, Gabriel was there to catch them. "Oops!" he said, helping Beez get their bearings and stand on their own two feet. "That probably wouldn't have been pleasant! You know, if you fell right on your face into the dirt. Right? I mean, ouch, right? That's what humans say when they experience pain?" As he continued babbling on, he finally realized that that was what he was doing. Also he and Beez were fairly close. Did humans who were friends usually stand this close? 

"What did you juzzzt azzzk me?" Beez blurted out, looking more confused than Gabriel had ever seen them. 

"Do...you like me? I mean, I...think I like spending time with you, and I believe that is what...friends do? Are we...friends? Is this how friends feel about each other? Do you feel the same way?" 

A look of relief passed over their face. "Oh. Friendship. Uh...zzzure...I guess…"

"Yes!" His first friend! How exciting! Gabriel couldn't wait to spend more time with his first real friend! Maybe they could take more walks like this. Just the two of them...together...all alone...close together...maybe holding hands...this is how friends feel...right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The formatting on this might be really weird because my internet went out literally just as I finished this chapter so instead of posting from my computer as usual, I'm using my phone because it has mobile data. I hope this makes it to yall in one piece, though. And if the formatting IS wack, then hang tight because I'll try to go back and fix it once my internet is back


	28. Missed Opportunity

Beelzebub’s head was practically spinning.  _ How  _ could Gabe be as obliviously stupid as he is? “Do you like me?’...bullshit! This was  _ not  _ what they signed up for. They had signed up for vengeance with their enemy. Not….whatever this walk was. 

… _ was  _ Gabe even their enemy anymore? He seemed...almost harmless. Especially now. In fact, it was almost...nice. Beelzebub hadn’t had a chance to relax like this since...since before their fall. Ever since then, it’s been nothing but constant work wrangling all the demons in Hell and making sure they're able to _stay_ in their position of power. 

But Gabe had been right...it _was_ nice...Earth really did have a kind of pleasant atmosphere. They liked the plants. And maybe walking with Gabe wasn’t the _worst_ thing in the world… Well, when he wasn’t asking ridiculous questions like “Do you like me?”, at least. It was such a ridiculous and childish question to ask. …so it was perfect for Gabe. 

The two of them kept walking through the woods together. Beelzebub spent most of their time in thought, replaying the conversations that took place over and over again in their head. Occasionally Gabe would interrupt with another stupid question about Hell, or Earth culture, or even the fly on their head. 

Beelzebub had no clue why he was so preoccupied with that fly, but now they refused to give him any information solely to bother him. And when they teased him about it, he would...tease them right back. It was like he was a completely different being than the Gabriel they had known.

Much less insufferable, and more...endearing, almost. Except for his  _ really  _ stupid questions. “Do you like me?”...so ridiculous. Beelzebub would have to be almost stupider than Gabriel himself to...but they didn’t! So it didn’t matter!

Beelzebub hadn’t bothered registering how long they’d been walking overall. Maybe it had been only half an hour since they suggested this walk, and maybe it had been hours. Or weeks.

The two of them had fallen into another long, strangely comfortable silence for a while when Gabriel finally piped up, “So you’re  _ really  _ not going to tell me anything about that fly?”

“Nope. In fact, I’m never telling you anything about it ever azzz long azzz I exizzzt.”

Gabe gasped dramatically and put a hand over his heart. “You wouldn’t dare!” And here they thought  _ Crowley _ had been melodramatic. 

“Zzzhit!” they blurted out. Crowley.

Gabriel looked around in confusion. “What?”

“Crowley and Azzziraphale! We’ve been walking for zzzo long, they  _ muzzzt  _ be back by now!” 

“You’re right! I completely forgot! But…” he looked around and gestured to their surroundings. The twilight had dimmed since they first started walking, and a lot of the animals had since disappeared. “It’s gotten quite dark out. I think time has snuck up on us and won this round.”

“What are you going on about?” 

Gabriel miracled up a watch and read the time. “This timepiece says it is now one o’clock in the morning. I’m afraid we may have missed our window for today, Beez. I’m not sure friends wake up other friends at this hour...so talking to them now may be too...suspicious for us.”

“Zzzo this day wazzz a complete wazzzte?” Beelzebub asked incredulously. All this, and they hadn’t even gotten a chance to do what they’d come there for. 

“I wouldn’t call it a waste!” Gabe said with a smile. “I...had a very nice time on this walk.” His face started turning red again. “Perhaps we could...do this again sometime! Uh…” He trailed off, and instead grabbed Beelzebub’s hand and gave it an awkward shake. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Beez…” and with that, he left for Heaven. 

Beelzebub stayed where they were for a few minutes replaying the entire day. Gabe’s lighthearted teasing, the way he looked at everything like it was the first time he was seeing it (which it probably was), the strangely self-aware way he talked about being sheltered in Heaven and acknowledged his own naivete, the way he caught them when they tripped…

“Do you like me?”...

Shit. Fuck. God fucking damnit fucking fuck shit bitch fuck.


	29. Gabe: CEO Of Inviting Himself To Stuff

Gabriel felt strangely excited as he waited for Beez to show up. He’d had such a fun time yesterday, learning about trees, and birds, and...Beez themself...It was so nice to talk to them without them getting snippy for once. 

“Hey there...Gabe,” Beez said from the doorway. Gabriel glanced up and smiled. If every interaction with them was going to be as fun as yesterday, then he would definitely love spending time with them a lot more. 

“Beez! You’re on time!” He took a seat in his usual rolling chair and smiled. 

Beelzebub pulled themself up onto the desk they usually sat on and gave Gabriel a strange look. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen them make that face before. “Right...oopzzz.” 

Gabe laughed. “Nothing to be sorry about! I’m...glad you’re here.” He and Beez’s eyes locked and it was...an odd feeling. Beez’s eyes were grayish periwinkle. Sort of like Gabriel’s own sweater. He really liked that color. “...anyway!” he crowed, a bit louder than he’d intended. “Since you’re _here_ earlier, we can _start_ earlier! It’s...efficient!” 

“Riiiight...then...what’zzz the plan, Gabriel?” they asked, leaning forward.

Gabriel took a second to really process that. When was the last time Beez  _ hadn’t  _ used some sort of nickname for him? And...did he almost...miss it? Didn’t he use to _hate_ those nicknames? 

“Gabe?  _ Hello _ ? Purgatory to Gabe!” Beez waved their hand in Gabriel’s face to get his attention.

“Oh! Yes, sorry about that…” He felt strangely happy about Beez calling him that. And...now that he thought about it…”Gabe” hadn’t been bothering him like it used to for quite a few days now… ”So I think we should return to Crowley and Aziraphale’s little cottage and...just proceed with yesterday’s plan.”

Beez nodded. “Zzzounds good, then.” Didn’t they usually contradict him on these things? Strange. 

Nevertheless, they made their way down to Earth together and knocked on the cottage door. 

“How long do you think it will take them to anzzzwer the door  _ thizzz  _ time?” Beez asked sarcastically. 

“I’m sure they wouldn’t...what do humans say? “Leave us hanging”? Again.” 

And they didn’t! Aziraphale opened the door just as Gabriel finished his sentence, holding a wine bottle in his hand. “Oh! Gabriel! Beelzebub! What..er...what brings you here!” 

Gabriel grinned and put his arm around Beez as he usually did. Was Beez always this warm against his side? “Why, friendship of course!” he told Aziraphale. “As you know, you and Crowley, a demon and angel couple, and Beez and I, another angel and demon couple, are friends! Due to our mutual bond of being in an angel and demon couple! And Beez and I had such a nice time during your...Game Night...that we thought we would drop by for another lovely day with our friends!” 

“Oh,” Aziraphale said with a polite smile. “How...lovely. However, Crowley and I were just about to leave for a picnic-” 

“Lovely!” Gabriel crowed! “We could join you! A picnic! With two of us couples! That sounds very fun! Doesn’t it, Beez?” 

Beez nodded hesitantly. “Oh, uh, zzzure, Gabe.” 

“I see...I’ll just let Crowley know,” Aziraphale muttered, shutting the door in their faces. 

“Is it just me,” Gabriel muttered, “Or is Aziraphale  _ not  _ very happy to see us?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Beez said. “He’s not happy to see  _ you _ .”

“Hey!” Normally, Gabriel was sure he would have been offended by that remark, but...he could see the good-natured glint in Beez’s...kind of pretty gray eyes that they were just teasing. So he started laughing, and Beez joined in too. Their laughter was always so wonderfully strange...and always genuine. 

It was nice to be able to joke around with them instead of constantly arguing like they used to. 

And right then, on Crowley and Aziraphale’s doorstep, laughing together goodnaturedly, it was hard to remember why things had ever been different. 


	30. Internal Struggles

Beelzebub found it almost funny how quickly Gabe had managed to invite them along to what was obviously supposed to be a romantic picnic just for Crowley and Aziraphale. 

But something felt almost...wrong. And Beelzebub couldn’t seem to shake the feeling, even as the couple took them and Gabe to a grassy hill and started laying out a blanket. What was it? ...Well, there were a lot of strange things going on. One of those being that they and Gabe were actually getting along for once. 

Gabe was acting less like an obnoxious idiot and more of an...endearing and naive pet bird. Well,  _ not  _ endearing...well...maybe just a little bit. They almost felt bad for him...having to be couped up in Heaven all the time with nothing but Rogers and Hammerstein sounded downright unbearable to Beelzebub. 

So what even was that whole war going to be about? If They and the other demons had won, would they have switched with the angels? Would  _ they  _ be stuck all day with paperwork and little else? Was  _ that  _ what would have happened had the apocalypse gone on as planned? 

Suddenly they were almost...relieved that Crowley and Aziraphale had intervened. Maybe they’d...done them a favor? 

But if the war they’d been preparing for was better off not happening…

“Beez!” Gabe nudged them lightly with his elbow. “What’re you thinking so hard about?”

Beelzebub glanced at Aziraphale and Crowley, who were busy whispering to each other as they set up the picnic blanket. “Nothing important,” they muttered. 

“If you say so. Isn’t this exciting? I’m sure they’ll trust us after  _ this _ !”

“Gabriel...izzz thizzz...fun to you? Thizzz whole plan? I mean...are you dead zzzet on it?”

Gabe gave them a strange look. “Why wouldn’t I be? It’s been a blast so far! I mean, just look at how far the two have us have come!”

So the initial plan didn’t seem to be much of a priority to him, then. Which very well may be a good thing. Because if the war was going to be detrimental…

“Alright then! All set up!” Aziraphale called, gesturing for Beelzebub and Gabe to join them on the picnic blanket. They had covered it in containers of strawberries, tins of cookies, and other snacks. A wine bottle and four wine glasses had been set up in the very center of the blanket. 

“How...quaint!” Gabriel said, lowering himself to sit on the ground next to Crowley. 

It  _ was  _ an aesthetically pleasing setup. Beelzebub sat in between Gabriel and Aziraphale and scanned the food. They had never eaten anything before.

“...thank you...Gabriel,” Aziraphale said, picking up a cookie and taking a bite. Crowley himself didn’t take anything to eat and instead watched Aziraphale with a smitten look on his face. It almost reminded Beelzebub of the way Gabriel looked at them yesterday in the woods…

Was this empathy they were feeling? Because suddenly...this big plan they’d created felt like nothing more than needlessly hurting two people that...didn’t need to be punished. 

If the war that was to follow the apocalypse was actually a bad thing...why punish the people who helped stop it? 

This was all so stupid! What unnatural force had possessed them to feel this way? They leaned forward and grabbed a cookie for themself. This was all so stupid and didn’t make sense at all. 

As they bit into the cookie, they could feel Gabe’s eyes on them.


	31. The Time To Strike

Gabriel thought picnics were strange. Was it just sitting on the ground and eating? Did humans really do this? 

Well, the sitting part was kind of nice, but Gabriel didn’t have much of an interest in “eating”. 

Beelzebub seemed to, though. He watched them eat cookie after cookie, looking deep in thought. They’d told him it was nothing, but  _ something  _ must be on their mind. 

Or maybe Gabriel was just overthinking it. Was that possible? He usually didn’t think about things in too much depth. 

“This is pleasant!” he said finally to break the silence. 

Aziraphale looked up from his mini cupcake and smiled hesitantly. “Er...yes, I suppose it is.”

“What do you think, Beez?” Gabe asked, elbowing them lightly. 

Beelzebub jumped a little in surprise. “What?”

“Isn’t this pleasant?”

“Oh, uh...zzzure,” they muttered. 

Gabriel sighed. What could be going on with them? Was it something he did? He was so sure they were getting along now, but...maybe that only went one way. Maybe they still hated him…

Crowley and Aziraphale were watching them curiously. “Do you mind if we take a minute?” Aziraphale asked, standing up and helping Crowley to his feet.

“Not at all, friend!” Gabriel said. 

“Right,” Crowley muttered. He and Aziraphale took a few steps away and turned to whisper each other. Their backs were to Gabriel and Beez. They must really trust them, then!

And that’s when it occurred to him that this would be the perfect time to strike. The two had their backs to him and were completely unaware. But...for some reason, he almost didn’t want to ruin the picnic. This was the whole reason they’d started doing this, but for some reason, he almost...didn’t want to. Aziraphale had been so...nice about letting them hang out with him and Crowley. 

And now that Gabriel knew what he had been missing out on while being couped up in Heaven for so long, he almost...didn’t blame Aziraphale for fighting to stay on Earth. It was so...full of life. 

“Zzzhouldn’t you be killing them or zzzomething?” Beez asked suddenly.

Gabriel turned to them. “Shouldn’t you?” 

Beez looked up at Crowley and Aziraphale and then back to Gabriel. “...I don’t think that’zzz what either of uzzz really want anymore...izzz it?” 


	32. Stupid Boy Can't Take A Hint: The Movie

Beelzebub could practically  _ see  _ the gears spinning in Gabriel’s head. He looked absolutely baffled. 

“I don’t understand,” he muttered. “Of course it is. Isn’t that why we’re here?” 

Beelzebub almost felt bad for him. He was so slow on the uptake on some things. Did he even notice these...the...whatever it was going on between them? 

“I don’t think it izzz anymore,” they said. “It zzztarted that way, but...what did thezzze two do wrong again? Why were we mad at them?”

Gabe glanced over at Crowley and Aziraphale and then up to the sky, deep in thought. Beelzebub wondered what it would be like to be as stupid as Gabe. Did he really spend these last days completely unaware? Unaware that there was a reason behind why they didn’t hate each other anymore? Did he internalize how awful both Heaven and Hell are, and by extension...how Earth could be viewed as...maybe... _ worth  _ keeping around another few centuries? What went on in Gabe’s big, dumb, head?

He looked over at them, looking conflicted. “We...wanted to get back at them for stopping the apocalypse. The end of Earth and everything on it. But…”

“It’zzz nizzze here, izzzn’t it?” 

“It is...I really loved the walk we took yesterday,” he said. 

Beelzebub tentatively rested a hand between them, hoping Gabe was smart enough to take the hint. “We took that walk... _ together _ ...that’zzz why we’re  _ really  _ here...Izzzn’t it?” 

Gabe glanced down at their hand and back up, confused. 

“Haven’t you put it together already, Zzztupid?” Beelzebub snapped, frustrated. 

“I’m afraid you’ve lost me, Beez.” 

They sighed and gestured to Crowley and Aziraphale. “Zzzee them? If what we wanted was really revenge, we would be killing them right now! ...but we’re not. Becauzzze…”

Gabe’s face lit up as it finally hit him. “You mean...we…” He looked between Crowley and Aziraphale, who had started holding hands, and Beelzebub. “These...are not friend feelings...are they?”

Beelzebub shook their head. “No. They’re not. Zzztupid.” 

“Oh…” he looked down at Beelzebub’s hand, still sitting between them and blushed. It fucking took him long enough.


	33. The Long Awaited Picnic

The longer Gabriel thought about it, the more the pieces seemed to fall into place. If Gabriel had wanted Aziraphale dead for being happier on Earth and taking steps to preserve the planet, but now Gabriel  _ himself  _ liked Earth...it would be silly to kill anyone. He wasn’t  actually mad at Aziraphale anymore. Or Crowley. In fact...he was starting to think that they had had it right all along, living away from the stifling control of Heaven and the utter chaos of Hell...just living on Earth...together. 

Beez’s hand was right there. And now he knew what they were getting at.  _ Neither  _ of them wanted to kill Aziraphale and Crowley and they haven’t for a little while…

They had kept meeting up not for some  _ plan _ , but because it was...nice to be together. Because what Gabriel was feeling...wasn’t friendship.

Maybe Beez was right. Gabriel  _ was  _ stupid. And it was about time he did something smart. So he tentatively reached his hand out and placed it over Beez’s, squeezing his eyes shut apprehensively. He half expected them to yank their hand away, or call him stupid for misreading the situation. 

But...they didn’t. He slowly pried his eyes open. Their hands were just...there. One on top of each other. And Beez was watching him. 

“What?” he asked. 

They shook their head and flipped their hand over so they were holding hands. “It took you long enough.”

Gabriel looked up to see that Aziraphale had turned to look at them. He and Gabriel made brief eye contact, and Aziraphale winked before turning back around. 

So he had known about this...so...did that mean that Gabriel had been the last to know? “So...what now?” 

Beez shrugged. “I guess we’ll...have to figure that out.”

Crowley and Aziraphale wandered back over and sat back down on the blanket. 

“How’s our favorite couple doing?” Crowley asked teasingly. 

“Wonderful!” Gabriel crowed, holding up his and Beez’s hands. Then a thought struck him and he turned to Beez. “Wait...is that what we are? What are we?” 

Beez rolled their eyes and pulled their hand out of Gabriel’s, leaning against his side instead. “Don’t be zzztupid.”

“So…”

“What do  _ you  _ think?” they asked.

“I would hope it means...that we... _ are  _ a couple?...” he tentatively wrapped an arm around Beez. 

They sighed. “It’zzz going to be a lot of work, being the zzzmart one in thizzz relationzzzhip, izzzn’t it?”

Aziraphale clapped his hands together. “Well! I believe this deserves a toast!” 

“Yes!” Crowley agreed. “Alcohol. Finally.” He poured all four of them a glass of wine and then raised his glass. 

“To Gabriel and Beelzebub, who will...hopefully not try to kill us again?” Aziraphale asked half-jokingly. 

“How did you know?” Gabriel blurted.

Crowley shrugged. “Just a hunch.” 

“Well anyway,” Aziraphale continued. “To no more murder attempts, To Crowley and I, To Gabriel and Beelzebub, and to...a new friendship.” 

“No promizzzezzz,” Beez joked, raising their glass to match Crowley and Aziraphale’s. 

They laughed, and Gabriel looked down at his wine glass. He could see his reflection in the liquid, and even though he technically looked no different than usual, he seemed different somehow nonetheless…

If someone had told him not too long ago that he would fall in love with _Beelzebub_ of all people and then turn traitor with Crowley and Aziraphale, he would have been more likely to leap into hellfire than believe them.

“Hey, Earth to Zzztupid!” Beez called. 

Gabriel looked up to see Crowley, Aziraphale and Beez still holding their wine glasses up.  “We’re waiting for you.” 

“Sorry! Just...lost in thought, I guess.”

“You have thoughtzzz?” Beez joked. 

Gabriel laughed and raised his glass. 

“To love and friendship, new and old!” Aziraphale said as they all clinked glasses. 

Gabriel scanned the blanket. He saw Crowley and Aziraphale, leaning against each other sweetly, a lot of clearly carefully crafted human food and drink, a blue sky, and Beez, his new...romantic partner, looking at him with a small smile. He couldn’t believe that he’d managed to go six thousand years _ without  _ that smile. 

He saw his first real friends ever.

He could get used to this.

“It’s a really nice day for a picnic, isn’t it?” he muttered.    
  


THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so concludes the story. :) But never fear! This is the end of the story, but not the end of the content! I have an epilogue chapter or two planned, as well as an AN about how I was inspired to write this. (I might also do a Q&A if anyone would be interested in that)


	34. Epilogue I

As Beelzebub neared the familiar cottage, they could feel themself relaxing, just a little. Hell never changed. Ever. But at least for the last few months, they’ve had somewhere to go where they could be...themself. 

Once upon a time, they would have knocked, but they knew the door was unlocked. They saw themself into the living room, where Gabe and Crowley were sitting.   
“Beez!” Gabe’s face lit up and he waved excitedly. It was like he was a puppy dog or something. Stupid. 

They rolled their eyes and sat down next to him. “Hey, Zzztupid.” 

“Long day?” Crowley teased. “Must really suck having to go down there every day, huh? I wouldn’t know what  _ that’s  _ like.”

Beelzebub flipped him off. “Zzzhove it, traitor.”

“Crowley, don’t antagonize them,” Aziraphale admonished as he walked into the room and set a plate of meats and cheeses on the coffee table. He took his usual seat in the armchair that Crowley was perched on. 

Beelzebub eagerly grabbed a handful of cheese cubes. “Yeah,  _ Crowley _ ,” they said through a mouthful of cheese. 

“Or what, you’ll try to kill us again?” he teased. 

All four of them shared a laugh. A few months ago, that would have been a good question to ask. But now...it was all very weird. 

After they and Gabe finally decided to give up the whole “killing Aziraphale and Crowley” plan and...be together, Beelzebub was sure there would be a whole production. But instead of going public as Crowley and Aziraphale did, they and Gabe had decided to play their parts as usual and only be together in private. It wasn’t ideal, but it was preferable to a holy water bath and hellfire pyre. 

And now, after nearly three months of regularly meeting at the south downs cottage for Game Nights and stuff, the four of them could really be considered…"friends". Weird.

"Oh, Beez!" Gabriel said suddenly. "I almost forgot! I got you something." He produced a green flower from behind his back. "I found it in someone's yard! Aziraphale says it is a Green Carnation!"

Beelzebub rolled their eyes and took the flower. Ever since they made it official, Gabriel had started bringing Beezlebub Earth things almost every day. They'd been given flowers, weeds, small animals, bugs, a bunch of rocks, and at one point an old shoe. It was a very cute gesture. They tucked the flower behind their ear and leaned against Gabe's side. "Thanks, Zztupid." 

Stupid was their newest nickname for Gabriel. It was all in good fun and he didn't seem to mind. Plus, it called back to his stupid roots of not even realizing there was more than friendship between them. 

"How fantastic is this?" Gabriel crowed suddenly. "Just the four of us! Crowley and Aziraphale and Beelzebub and Gabriel! Two angel and demon couples! And we are also friends!" 

That was maybe the most surprising discovery Beelzebub had made in their first months into their first relationship. It turns out that Gabe is actually a fantastic actor. That's just how he is...all of the time. 

And somehow, Beelzebub never got tired of it. It was all...kind of nice. 

If only things could be like this all the time and not just in this cottage.


	35. Epilogue II

Gabriel had never been happier spending nearly every day with Crowley, Aziraphale, and, of course, Beez. He had never noticed how fake Heaven was until he had real friends to compare it to. Here, he could be himself and take the risk of saying stupid things. He never had to “walk on eggshells”, as the humans put it, in the cottage. 

And of course on Earth, he had Aziraphale to bond with over dating a demon. Everything just seemed so perfect. 

Well, of course, he was always worried about getting caught, but...it hasn’t been a problem yet, so…

“Izzz there a plan for today?” Beez asked eventually. Sometimes the four of them had game nights, or held picnics or did other fun Earth things together. They even watched a few “movies” from time to time. They were delightful! 

“We didn’t plan anything specific, but I  _ do  _ have cookies in the oven!” Aziraphale offered. 

“I do like cookiezzz.” 

Gabriel laughed. He never really saw the appeal in consuming human food, but Beez loved it all. And he loved watching Beez be so happy. If only he and Beez could be openly together anywhere else besides the cottage. But neither of them wanted to take the chance of getting caught. 

Gabriel wouldn’t know what to do with himself if he couldn’t go upstairs and didn’t have paperwork to do. His sole purpose as an angel was to follow orders. He couldn’t imagine getting ousted for being a traitor and having to move to Earth full time.  Thankfully, that hadn’t been a problem. He and Beez go to work as usual all day, and then they spend their evenings with Crowley and Aziraphale. 

Aziraphale glanced at the clock and stood up. “Speaking of which, I better go check on those cookies.”

Beez jumped up to follow him. “I’ll go with you. To...help, or whatever.” 

“You just want to clean out our refrigerator,” Crowley teased. 

“You can’t prove anything,” Beez said, flipping him off and already following Aziraphale to the kitchen. 

Gabriel watched them go and sighed. “I’ll never understand the appeal of human food. What’s the point?”

Crowley shrugged. “Hey, don’t look at me. It’s never been  _ my  _ thing.  _ Aziraphale _ ’s always been the food lover around here.” 

“At least the two of them are getting along,” Gabriel offered. Crowley nodded. Back when Gabriel and Beez first got together, it had taken a while for Aziraphale and Beezlzebub to get used to each other. They both seemed to have just enough attitude to butt heads constantly. Eventually, they settled down and bonded over their love for food. Beez’s favorites were fruits and cheeses, while Aziraphale seemed to like something called a “crepe” and pastries.

Gabriel was just about to finally ask what exactly a “crepe”  _ was _ , when the doorbell rang. “Were you...expecting anyone else?” 

Aziraphale had mentioned that the antichrist and his friends as well as a witch and her partner sometimes came by for visits.  But Crowley shook his head. 

“Was that the door?” Aziraphale called from the kitchen. 

“Yeah, I’ll get it angel,” Crowley called back, standing up from his usual perch on the arm of Aziraphale’s chair. He walked out of the room towards the front door. Gabriel heard the door open and immediately be slammed shut. 

“Guys?” Crowley called from the front room. “Um, I believe we have a bit of a problem.”

Aziraphale and Beelzebub quickly came out of the kitchen and made their way over to Crowley, with Gabriel hot on their heels. 

“You’ll never believe this,” Crowley said, “But we have company.” He pulled back the curtain to the window just enough to peek through. 

And there, on the doorstep, was the demon Ligur and Archangel Michael. 

Holding hands. With big, fake grins on their faces. 

“Oh dear,” Gabriel muttered. 

“Not again,” said Aziraphale with a huff. 


	36. Author's Note

Hey, y'all! I just want to start this by saying thank you so much to all of you! You have no idea how meaningful your comments and support have been to me. So thank you so much !! <3 

I wanted to give a quick summary of what inspired this fic, because I had such a fun time writing it and the idea came from such a fun day. :) 

It's not too long or interesting, but my friends and I cosplay Crowley, Aziraphale, Beelzebub, and Gabriel together. (I'm Aziraphale if you're curious lmao) And one day we wanted to get together for a photoshoot and we decided to have a picnic for it. The four of us took a few pictures of us toasting and in general laughing together and having a nice aesthetic picnic. One of us pointed out that Gabe and Beez would never actually have a picnic with the ineffable husbands, and that got me thinking about under what circumstances they _would_. I made a passing joke about writing a fic to answer that question, and one of my friends made the mistake of encouraging me lmao.

So you can thank my friend for enabling me to write this lol. 

And now to answer the question that y'all are probably wondering: is there more to the story?

Maybe. I think while I'm still motivated to write fanfic, I'm going to go back and finish an old Gravity Falls fic I accidentally abandoned. (It's on my profile if you're into that lol) Either when I'm done with that fic, or if I get really inspired and a lot of people want me to, I'll probably make another GOmens fic. 

It'll either be a sequel to this fic, or something completely different. I haven't decided yet, but if this fic is still popular and it's something people want, I'd definitely be open to a sequel. 

So yeah. 

Thank you so much for reading; I love each and every one of you <3 


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